gallon of PISS

i just went to the wal-mart supercenter in gallipolis. why did everyone there look like they had just either:
a) smoked meth
b) purchased the supplies to create meth
c) sold meth to fund their high-fructose corn syrup grocery list

seriously, i only saw two people who looked halfway in touch with reality.
this place makes me feel super confused. i'm not sure if i would be sad if it fell off of the earth (as long as all the people i care about were out of town when that happened!). what is left here that is worth salvaging? i wonder if this is a question of ignorance. i mean, is it better to live a simple life without the knowledge of other cultures and experiences? i say no. why would you want to stay in a place, and God forbid raise a family with such limited resources? wouldn't you want your children to have every opportunity possible? i want that. i want expansion of the mind. so here i am trying to expand my mind enough to understand why people stay in this town. i have a few ideas why.

i guess my point is something i heard from one barack obama once. it isn't his power of change he wants us to believe in. it is the power of change that resides inside ourselves that he wants us to believe in.
gallipolis is only going to get worse unless someone, one of those few who cares about this place, takes a step towards progression and brakes out of the drugs, the politics, and the stagnation.

just sayin.

loser loser boozer

i'm sitting at the toyota dealership, waiting for my oil change to be finished, thinking about why i drink so much. what am i trying to forget, what am i trying to hide from, what am i avoiding? these are reasons people are alcoholics, right? because there is something they cannot face, or deal with, so they bury their problems under whiskey. at least that is the rumor. i think i drink a lot because i really enjoy the way i feel when i drink. i think the happiest i've been is last summer, post-relationship, very slim responsibility, a good drinking buddy, just having a good time every night. yeah, so what if i felt like shit when i woke up.. i would just have a drink and get the ball rolling. and to be honest i never really felt that bad. except for the few times when i couldn't swallow because of heartburn, which i decided to numb with whiskey shots. my trainer recently gave me a challenge to have only two drinks a week. and i have not succeeded as of yet. i'm going to d.c. nest week and i'm supposed to only drink three days. i'm only supposed to have 15 drinks the whole time i'm there. well here's the thing: i want to have a great time. and that doesn't mean get hammered every night. it doesn't. but i don't want to hold back on vacation. i just want to enjoy myself. problem is, i always want to "enjoy myself". i've been going out and only having like one beer, and this is how it is going:
me: yawn
friend: what's wrong tonight?
me: nothing i'm just sober
friend: you can still be happy, you know.
me: i'm happy, just tired. also, you've had three gins. so that's easy for you to say.
so obviously i have zero support, not only in my struggle with the bottle, but with anything i'm going through right now. miserable job, fighting for a healthier lifestyle, independence, sick dog, yada yada. no one wants to hear about it. i understand that. but my trainer always talks about how important a "support system" is. well the simple fact is, alcohol has been my one and only support system since i can remember. when my mom was always gone because her parents were sick, i started drinking a lot, at the tender age of 13. ha. i never felt "unwanted" or anything at school, but i did feel like i wasn't meant to be a part of my age group. so i started partying, and didn't stop. when i was heartbroken, went on a 15 month binder, where i was drunk literally 99% of the time. after that "experience" i looked in the mirror and realized that i looked like shit. didn't really consider why i looked so terrible. i just knew i did. so i joined a gym. been on a slow but positive journey with recovering my body. it's challenging and i wish i had someone to talk to who is going through the same thing. i hate saying that because i like to be independent. but i'm coming to the conclusion that you can't be independent and rely on alcohol. but is that what i do? am i reliant? i don't know. i just know that i like to drink. and that is evidently a problem.

so back to what i am supposedly hiding from... the only thing that has really made me sad is a break up that was about a year and a half ago. and i'm basically over that. it still plays a bit of a role in my life because i still care deeply for the other party, but as a friend. so it's hard to get away from the pain of it because he is still lingering in my life. i had a wonderful childhood. i have a wonderful family. there is nothing i can think of that i need to run away from.

problem is, i just like to have a good time, all the time.

i got a list longer than craig's

listen to bon iver
sleep with a humidifier
walk dogs
weigh your options
don't rush at the grocery store
accept change
allow change
embrace change
spend money on things that make you feel good
have a bird feeder outside of your window
stop straightening your hair every day
watch ellen
smile
calm down
inhale
and....
exhale
be the person you would want your child to be
stop being a baby
love yourself because you're all you've got
it's true
enjoy your relationships
enjoy today
pull your hair out of your face
listen to your gut
trust your instincts unless they stink
grill every night in the summer
be proud of yourself
stop being afraid of getting wrinkles
stop growing up too fast
live
take a multi-vitamin
be proud of yourself
be better
move on
make the right choice
don't hit snooze
you really only exist NOW
yesterday is over
later might be too late
ask yourself:
what have i got to lose?
who am i affecting?
will this make a difference in a year?
what would tina fey do?
will this help you succeed?
do you really need that dirty martini or that single barrel on the rocks?
it might feel good...
but wouldn't it be nice to feel good in general?
know the right time to say no
learn how to amputate negative forces from your life
realize your beauty
acknowledge the changes you have made
and the changes you need to make
know that you'll always be the one he thinks of first
think of him last
sweep your porch when it's nice outside
walk to the grocery store
and the bank
and the dog food store
and to lunch
put air in the tires on your bicycle
be a great friend
don't be careless when making out
memorize everything you love
unless you love that you can't remember it
love hard
make lists
hit goals
achieve