this morning, as i opened the door to walk harper, i was briefly paralyzed by pure joy.
it was snowing.
i loved it so so so much.
on another note, my work holiday party is this friday. today a guy from work asked me to go with him (as friends) and i'm really excited. he's tall. i'm wearing a plum-colored dress.
i feel really happy. i hope you do, too. <3
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
yogaagoy
yet another revelation. this one was not spawned in the shower. it was at a much more appropriate place for revelations: yoga class.
i was in corpse pose (yes, you act like a dead person), and i was tired, and my mind was racing like a freaking nascar driver, when some force pushed these words right in my brain, overpowering all my other thoughts:
"IT'S ALL WORTH IT. YOU'RE WORTH IT."
and i was cynical at first. i know, imagine that. then i thought, "fuck. i am worth it."
then all this other weird shit started coming into my mind about a light inside myself that seems to get brighter at yoga, and then i felt a little drunk from all the body contortions.. then the lights came on, thank goodness. who knows where all the yoga-high weirdness could have led.
regardless. i am really liking all this self-liking i've been feeling lately. it's coming naturally.
mmm hmm.
i was in corpse pose (yes, you act like a dead person), and i was tired, and my mind was racing like a freaking nascar driver, when some force pushed these words right in my brain, overpowering all my other thoughts:
"IT'S ALL WORTH IT. YOU'RE WORTH IT."
and i was cynical at first. i know, imagine that. then i thought, "fuck. i am worth it."
then all this other weird shit started coming into my mind about a light inside myself that seems to get brighter at yoga, and then i felt a little drunk from all the body contortions.. then the lights came on, thank goodness. who knows where all the yoga-high weirdness could have led.
regardless. i am really liking all this self-liking i've been feeling lately. it's coming naturally.
mmm hmm.
parethetical evaluations on freedom
while visiting my parents over thanksgiving, in the shower, i had a revelation.
(the shower is where i usually find enlightenment. specifically my parents' shower. i think it leads back to being the only place i could find privacy and alone-time to think when i still lived there.)
ahem. i had a revelation. and the theme of said revelation was freedom. i am FREE. everything i do is up to ME. i make my own choices, and i make them for myself. i can do any stinkin' thing i want.
it made me think a lot about my health, and exercise, and even relationships.
(i love being free, but i don't want it to be a mechanism that i use as a wall around myself.)
so anyways, this all came to me after an interesting night of drinking (a lot) with people that i hadn't seen for a while, and quite honestly had no intentions of seeing (especially no intentions of hanging out with said people after the bar, either). so whatever, i was feeling like crap, both physically and emotionally, shaving my legs, and then i thought:
"why am i being so hard on myself? who cares about (redacting this name), seriously?? i don't have to give a shit, because i'm free."
and it took me a second to pause, then it was like all this shame and blame (rhyme) i had been feeling, well it was suddenly gone. i could almost feel it rising. like some deity that guides me had been waiting for me to realize my freedom, and as a gift in return, the deity gave me this existential feeling of light.
i hope that, by reading this, you will realize that, yes some things become a part of your own personal existence.. but these things are often carried around out of habit and routine. if you can get to that. one. moment. the moment where the weight lifts. you might just be able to move forward with your life, too.
namaste <3
(the shower is where i usually find enlightenment. specifically my parents' shower. i think it leads back to being the only place i could find privacy and alone-time to think when i still lived there.)
ahem. i had a revelation. and the theme of said revelation was freedom. i am FREE. everything i do is up to ME. i make my own choices, and i make them for myself. i can do any stinkin' thing i want.
it made me think a lot about my health, and exercise, and even relationships.
(i love being free, but i don't want it to be a mechanism that i use as a wall around myself.)
so anyways, this all came to me after an interesting night of drinking (a lot) with people that i hadn't seen for a while, and quite honestly had no intentions of seeing (especially no intentions of hanging out with said people after the bar, either). so whatever, i was feeling like crap, both physically and emotionally, shaving my legs, and then i thought:
"why am i being so hard on myself? who cares about (redacting this name), seriously?? i don't have to give a shit, because i'm free."
and it took me a second to pause, then it was like all this shame and blame (rhyme) i had been feeling, well it was suddenly gone. i could almost feel it rising. like some deity that guides me had been waiting for me to realize my freedom, and as a gift in return, the deity gave me this existential feeling of light.
i hope that, by reading this, you will realize that, yes some things become a part of your own personal existence.. but these things are often carried around out of habit and routine. if you can get to that. one. moment. the moment where the weight lifts. you might just be able to move forward with your life, too.
namaste <3
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
goalz
Tomorrow (10/28/09)
1. only hit snooze ONCE.
2. take harper for a nice, long morning walk.
3. just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you have to look like shit. Wear something besides a hoodie to work.
4. stick to my diet regardless of the office potluck.
5. go to yoga.
6. create the masterpiece that will be my halloween costume. which happens to be a giant loofah.
7. go to bed before midnight.
BAM and that's my day. seven steps to success.
For future days
1. step on the scale every wednesday, and make a promise to myself that i will never see that number on the scale again; instead it will be lower. (this seems reeeal easy, right?)
2. visit the kids i used to sit. miss them. miss sarah-kate's snuggles and jacob's break dancing, miss emily's similarities to myself, and chloe's sense of humor.
3. limit spending during the week (as in meals and coffee) to three. it should be two but i love stauf's coffee and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going.
4. walk harper every stinkin' morning. come on! for at least 15 minutes!
5. get back into my gym routine. miss it. do NOT enjoy being sick and injured.
6. blog more often. (oh, now you're excited).
7. get to work between 9 and 915. my law firm is laid back, which is great... but i have to force myself into some sort of structure!
8. books > tv. easy to forget when things like the office and gossip girl are on.
9. drink only one weekend night. no ifs ands or buts.
10. sunday is for cleaning.
i'm turning 24 in two weeks. for the past 14 months i wore myself out fighting for something that i never completely gave myself to. so what if i just give myself to it now? it's a new year. i feel the need for change.
1. only hit snooze ONCE.
2. take harper for a nice, long morning walk.
3. just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you have to look like shit. Wear something besides a hoodie to work.
4. stick to my diet regardless of the office potluck.
5. go to yoga.
6. create the masterpiece that will be my halloween costume. which happens to be a giant loofah.
7. go to bed before midnight.
BAM and that's my day. seven steps to success.
For future days
1. step on the scale every wednesday, and make a promise to myself that i will never see that number on the scale again; instead it will be lower. (this seems reeeal easy, right?)
2. visit the kids i used to sit. miss them. miss sarah-kate's snuggles and jacob's break dancing, miss emily's similarities to myself, and chloe's sense of humor.
3. limit spending during the week (as in meals and coffee) to three. it should be two but i love stauf's coffee and sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going.
4. walk harper every stinkin' morning. come on! for at least 15 minutes!
5. get back into my gym routine. miss it. do NOT enjoy being sick and injured.
6. blog more often. (oh, now you're excited).
7. get to work between 9 and 915. my law firm is laid back, which is great... but i have to force myself into some sort of structure!
8. books > tv. easy to forget when things like the office and gossip girl are on.
9. drink only one weekend night. no ifs ands or buts.
10. sunday is for cleaning.
i'm turning 24 in two weeks. for the past 14 months i wore myself out fighting for something that i never completely gave myself to. so what if i just give myself to it now? it's a new year. i feel the need for change.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
shoulda coulda woulda
i should move into a cold dank, ivy-stricken cave
by myself
and befriend the slugs and other gross things.
and i could showcase to the slugs my remarkable talent for crying.
they would probably love it.
i could join a circus. not as a main attraction,
but as a sideshow.
i would show all the customers how tears can just drop right out of the corners
of my eyes.
i just have to remember a tiny bit. and then the rain starts to pour.
the crowd would go wild.
i would move into the earth underneath the first layer of dirt
and crawl around with the worms.
i'm sure they would be shocked when they saw what i could do.
they would be so jealous that they didn't have eyes to cry out of,
and i would politely give them mine.
it would be easy if i had gills and could live underwater,
but then no one would be able to appreciate my tears, because they would just
mix with the ocean.
i would be the only one who knew.
under the ocean
under the dirt
under my skin
under it all
still you.
by myself
and befriend the slugs and other gross things.
and i could showcase to the slugs my remarkable talent for crying.
they would probably love it.
i could join a circus. not as a main attraction,
but as a sideshow.
i would show all the customers how tears can just drop right out of the corners
of my eyes.
i just have to remember a tiny bit. and then the rain starts to pour.
the crowd would go wild.
i would move into the earth underneath the first layer of dirt
and crawl around with the worms.
i'm sure they would be shocked when they saw what i could do.
they would be so jealous that they didn't have eyes to cry out of,
and i would politely give them mine.
it would be easy if i had gills and could live underwater,
but then no one would be able to appreciate my tears, because they would just
mix with the ocean.
i would be the only one who knew.
under the ocean
under the dirt
under my skin
under it all
still you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
breakin' hearts all over town..?
it's not you, it's me
it is not you that i care about. it's me.
it's not your feelings i consider, it's mine.
i'm not ready for a commitment.
with you, anyways.
there's someone else.
i haven't met him yet, but there is definitely someone else.
i'm too busy for a relationship.
actually, you annoy the shit out of me so i find other things to do besides talk to you.
i don't want you to turn into something else on my list.
you'd be the last checkmark, fyi.
we are at different places in our lives.
your place is kindergarten.
i can't do long-distance.
the only thing i like about you is that you live far away.
i'm not over my ex.
even though he broke my heart, he is still so much better than you.
i'm going to stop putting these guys through this crap... no dating for me all summer. only dating myself!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Last Day as a Domestic Slave.
all smiles on my last day!
so today is my last day as a nanny before i run off to the land of literature and articulation, the land of fact and certainty, the land of scholarship. the land where i belong! oh school, how i've missed you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
white russians before bed
i bought the asher roth album today... and it is totally boss. the song "i love college" could not describe my last year of college any more accurately. i just fucking love it. my fave:
Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again
Man, I love college
I wanna go to college for the rest of my life
Sip Banker's Club and drink Miller Lite
On Thirsty Thursday and Tuesday Night Ice
And I can get pizza a dollar a slice
So fill up my cup, let's get fucked up
I'm next on the table, who want what?
I am champion at beer pong
Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon
Don't even bounce, not in my house
Better hope you make it otherwise you naked
Time isn't wasted when you're getting wasted
Woke up today and all I could say is
Um, that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it
enough of that. here's a little something i wrote while sitting at a bar last week.
screamin' on high street
sneakin' cigarettes
dislodging doors
we broke those stupid bets
yep that's it. i feel like it's a farewell at last. i've felt amazingly free lately. i even met someone... err sort of. it's just a dead horse, that old fairy tale of mine. i'm gonna stop beating it; or letting it beat me, rather.
Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again
Man, I love college
I wanna go to college for the rest of my life
Sip Banker's Club and drink Miller Lite
On Thirsty Thursday and Tuesday Night Ice
And I can get pizza a dollar a slice
So fill up my cup, let's get fucked up
I'm next on the table, who want what?
I am champion at beer pong
Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon
Don't even bounce, not in my house
Better hope you make it otherwise you naked
Time isn't wasted when you're getting wasted
Woke up today and all I could say is
Um, that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it
enough of that. here's a little something i wrote while sitting at a bar last week.
screamin' on high street
sneakin' cigarettes
dislodging doors
we broke those stupid bets
yep that's it. i feel like it's a farewell at last. i've felt amazingly free lately. i even met someone... err sort of. it's just a dead horse, that old fairy tale of mine. i'm gonna stop beating it; or letting it beat me, rather.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
gallon of PISS
i just went to the wal-mart supercenter in gallipolis. why did everyone there look like they had just either:
a) smoked meth
b) purchased the supplies to create meth
c) sold meth to fund their high-fructose corn syrup grocery list
seriously, i only saw two people who looked halfway in touch with reality.
this place makes me feel super confused. i'm not sure if i would be sad if it fell off of the earth (as long as all the people i care about were out of town when that happened!). what is left here that is worth salvaging? i wonder if this is a question of ignorance. i mean, is it better to live a simple life without the knowledge of other cultures and experiences? i say no. why would you want to stay in a place, and God forbid raise a family with such limited resources? wouldn't you want your children to have every opportunity possible? i want that. i want expansion of the mind. so here i am trying to expand my mind enough to understand why people stay in this town. i have a few ideas why.
i guess my point is something i heard from one barack obama once. it isn't his power of change he wants us to believe in. it is the power of change that resides inside ourselves that he wants us to believe in.
gallipolis is only going to get worse unless someone, one of those few who cares about this place, takes a step towards progression and brakes out of the drugs, the politics, and the stagnation.
just sayin.
a) smoked meth
b) purchased the supplies to create meth
c) sold meth to fund their high-fructose corn syrup grocery list
seriously, i only saw two people who looked halfway in touch with reality.
this place makes me feel super confused. i'm not sure if i would be sad if it fell off of the earth (as long as all the people i care about were out of town when that happened!). what is left here that is worth salvaging? i wonder if this is a question of ignorance. i mean, is it better to live a simple life without the knowledge of other cultures and experiences? i say no. why would you want to stay in a place, and God forbid raise a family with such limited resources? wouldn't you want your children to have every opportunity possible? i want that. i want expansion of the mind. so here i am trying to expand my mind enough to understand why people stay in this town. i have a few ideas why.
i guess my point is something i heard from one barack obama once. it isn't his power of change he wants us to believe in. it is the power of change that resides inside ourselves that he wants us to believe in.
gallipolis is only going to get worse unless someone, one of those few who cares about this place, takes a step towards progression and brakes out of the drugs, the politics, and the stagnation.
just sayin.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
loser loser boozer
i'm sitting at the toyota dealership, waiting for my oil change to be finished, thinking about why i drink so much. what am i trying to forget, what am i trying to hide from, what am i avoiding? these are reasons people are alcoholics, right? because there is something they cannot face, or deal with, so they bury their problems under whiskey. at least that is the rumor. i think i drink a lot because i really enjoy the way i feel when i drink. i think the happiest i've been is last summer, post-relationship, very slim responsibility, a good drinking buddy, just having a good time every night. yeah, so what if i felt like shit when i woke up.. i would just have a drink and get the ball rolling. and to be honest i never really felt that bad. except for the few times when i couldn't swallow because of heartburn, which i decided to numb with whiskey shots. my trainer recently gave me a challenge to have only two drinks a week. and i have not succeeded as of yet. i'm going to d.c. nest week and i'm supposed to only drink three days. i'm only supposed to have 15 drinks the whole time i'm there. well here's the thing: i want to have a great time. and that doesn't mean get hammered every night. it doesn't. but i don't want to hold back on vacation. i just want to enjoy myself. problem is, i always want to "enjoy myself". i've been going out and only having like one beer, and this is how it is going:
me: yawn
friend: what's wrong tonight?
me: nothing i'm just sober
friend: you can still be happy, you know.
me: i'm happy, just tired. also, you've had three gins. so that's easy for you to say.
so obviously i have zero support, not only in my struggle with the bottle, but with anything i'm going through right now. miserable job, fighting for a healthier lifestyle, independence, sick dog, yada yada. no one wants to hear about it. i understand that. but my trainer always talks about how important a "support system" is. well the simple fact is, alcohol has been my one and only support system since i can remember. when my mom was always gone because her parents were sick, i started drinking a lot, at the tender age of 13. ha. i never felt "unwanted" or anything at school, but i did feel like i wasn't meant to be a part of my age group. so i started partying, and didn't stop. when i was heartbroken, went on a 15 month binder, where i was drunk literally 99% of the time. after that "experience" i looked in the mirror and realized that i looked like shit. didn't really consider why i looked so terrible. i just knew i did. so i joined a gym. been on a slow but positive journey with recovering my body. it's challenging and i wish i had someone to talk to who is going through the same thing. i hate saying that because i like to be independent. but i'm coming to the conclusion that you can't be independent and rely on alcohol. but is that what i do? am i reliant? i don't know. i just know that i like to drink. and that is evidently a problem.
so back to what i am supposedly hiding from... the only thing that has really made me sad is a break up that was about a year and a half ago. and i'm basically over that. it still plays a bit of a role in my life because i still care deeply for the other party, but as a friend. so it's hard to get away from the pain of it because he is still lingering in my life. i had a wonderful childhood. i have a wonderful family. there is nothing i can think of that i need to run away from.
problem is, i just like to have a good time, all the time.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
i got a list longer than craig's
listen to bon iver
sleep with a humidifier
walk dogs
weigh your options
don't rush at the grocery store
accept change
allow change
embrace change
spend money on things that make you feel good
have a bird feeder outside of your window
stop straightening your hair every day
watch ellen
smile
calm down
inhale
and....
exhale
be the person you would want your child to be
stop being a baby
love yourself because you're all you've got
it's true
enjoy your relationships
enjoy today
pull your hair out of your face
listen to your gut
trust your instincts unless they stink
grill every night in the summer
be proud of yourself
stop being afraid of getting wrinkles
stop growing up too fast
live
take a multi-vitamin
be proud of yourself
be better
move on
make the right choice
don't hit snooze
you really only exist NOW
yesterday is over
later might be too late
ask yourself:
what have i got to lose?
who am i affecting?
will this make a difference in a year?
what would tina fey do?
will this help you succeed?
do you really need that dirty martini or that single barrel on the rocks?
it might feel good...
but wouldn't it be nice to feel good in general?
know the right time to say no
learn how to amputate negative forces from your life
realize your beauty
acknowledge the changes you have made
and the changes you need to make
know that you'll always be the one he thinks of first
think of him last
sweep your porch when it's nice outside
walk to the grocery store
and the bank
and the dog food store
and to lunch
put air in the tires on your bicycle
be a great friend
don't be careless when making out
memorize everything you love
unless you love that you can't remember it
love hard
make lists
hit goals
achieve
Friday, January 9, 2009
i tried to draw your face but i couldn't get it right
couldn't feel the oily smooth
of your forehead through the lines
couldn't get the golden reflections
in your eyebrows to shine.
don't know who you spend your nights with these days
and you don't know mine
but we'll always know each other's ways
what happens after boxed and bottled wine.
dirty houses with dirty floors
parent's houses and short red shorts
yesterday's now years ago
and hopefully tomorrow we'll both be no-shows.
you're never gone, nor am i
friends or an attempted friendship
i'm not mad i only smile
got my balance
don't make me tip.
couldn't feel the oily smooth
of your forehead through the lines
couldn't get the golden reflections
in your eyebrows to shine.
don't know who you spend your nights with these days
and you don't know mine
but we'll always know each other's ways
what happens after boxed and bottled wine.
dirty houses with dirty floors
parent's houses and short red shorts
yesterday's now years ago
and hopefully tomorrow we'll both be no-shows.
you're never gone, nor am i
friends or an attempted friendship
i'm not mad i only smile
got my balance
don't make me tip.
COLD OLD YOUNG DUMB LOVE
cold feet
cold fingers
cold faces
cold fear
cold insides
cold feelings
cold convenience
cold beer
cold failure
cold truth
cold friends
cold minds
cold back-hands
cold cries
cold bitches
cold crimes
cold drinks
cold creeks
cold treats
cold times
cold souls
old souls
old plans of mine.
old memories
old jokes
old loves of mine.
old folks
young folks
young innocent smiles.
young thoughts
dumb thoughts
dumb intimate times.
dumb hatred
love hatred
love hand in mine.
love me
love you
love all the time.
cold fingers
cold faces
cold fear
cold insides
cold feelings
cold convenience
cold beer
cold failure
cold truth
cold friends
cold minds
cold back-hands
cold cries
cold bitches
cold crimes
cold drinks
cold creeks
cold treats
cold times
cold souls
old souls
old plans of mine.
old memories
old jokes
old loves of mine.
old folks
young folks
young innocent smiles.
young thoughts
dumb thoughts
dumb intimate times.
dumb hatred
love hatred
love hand in mine.
love me
love you
love all the time.
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